So…I’m pregnant.
I’m 21, single, a senior in college, and yes, I’m that girl.
It happened on my 21st birthday. Most people get to enjoy a
few too many drinks, and possibly a bad headache the next day for their 21st birthday.
My experience was a little different. I was that girl that got way too drunk,
that girl that was insecure, that girl that had a random hookup, that girl that
couldn’t say no, that girl that got
pregnant.
It should be understood that one drunken hook-up did not change
my life. The devil had been working through the details
for years leading up to this. He had been working the day I had my first
illegal drink of alcohol. He was there when I lost my virginity to a guy I
hardly knew. He was there when I lost
all self-respect and
repeatedly got drunk and acted promiscuously. He was there when I searched for
guy after guy for security. The devil was there the day after all those
miserable hookups, feeding the thoughts of unworthiness and
self-hate into my head. The devil was working the whole time. It’s no surprise
that on my 21st birthday,
I got drunk “justifiably” because it was my birthday, and had sex with some
guy. It was no surprise at all; in fact the
devil had this in the works for many years.
Fortunately,
God was working this whole time too.
The day I saw those two lines indicating a positive result, my
whole world completely turned upside down. I was living every young girl’s
worst nightmare. I was pregnant. At the
time I found out I was pregnant, I was single, alone, and afraid. I literally
felt I had no one to turn to. The weight of my own embarrassment, shame,
self-hatred, and loss of self-worth was too much to bear and I never told a
single soul I was pregnant and scheduled an abortion even though I knew to my
very core it was wrong. The devil works when we are alone, and that’s exactly
what I was - alone. Inside I was desperately screaming “Who
could possibly love me?” There
was no way I could tell anyone.I was afraid. I
was afraid no one would love me if they knew that I had gotten pregnant. Being
raised Catholic all of my life I was well versed in Church teaching on
abortion. I knew that every aspect of it was wrong; it was emotionally, scientifically,
theologically, spiritually, and fundamentally wrong – yet I was still going to
do it.
However, God
loved me too much to let me off the hook. The days leading up
to my abortion, I would attend mass. I would sit in the very back, by myself,
head down the entire time. I would shamefully watch other people receive the
Eucharist as I sat there, unworthy of it. The weekend right before my scheduled
abortion God
pierced my soul with His unconditional, perfect love. It
was as if all the readings and the homily were directed specifically at me.
That day at mass I learned about God’s infinite mercy and forgiveness.
I had obviously known intellectually
about forgiveness and mercy, but that day was different. That day, God gave me
the grace to feel
His presence and his mercy and forgiveness in my heart. For the first time I knew with every
ounce of my being that God DID love me as much as he loved the little
life inside of me. For the first time in over a month of depression and turmoil
and shame, I felt loved – in
the midst of my brokenness. I
realized that God gifted me not only with my life, but also entrusted to me the
life growing inside me. In that moment I felt overwhelming peace and the
courage to offer my life back to God as a gift and do His will, no matter how
scared I was. By the grace of God alone, I
cancelled my abortion.
That day changed me forever. I know His love is real; He has
confirmed it to me time and time again. God confirmed His love for me
when I finally built up the courage to tell my parents I was pregnant; my
parents never condemned me, but instead embraced
me and loved me and
supported me. God confirmed His love for me when I finally went to
confession and the priest praised me for my choice of life and gave me the
grace to forgive myself. God confirmed His love for me when I told my
friends and they not once judged me, but loved me and affirmed
me of my worth. God confirmed His love for me when my
doctor never questioned my age or why I didn’t have a husband and instead rejoiced
in the development of the baby inside me. God confirmed His love for me
every day at mass when I witness His sacrifice for me, so that I, a broken
girl, could be forgiven and come to know Him.
I am now proud to say I am 39 weeks pregnant with a beautiful
little girl. Any day I will get to hold this beautiful gift of
life. I am proud to say that I have given my life back to God as a
witness to life as I am one of the few, if not only pregnant girl attending a
secular university. I also have a new found passion for helping the
broken women found in an unplanned pregnancy as a volunteer advisor at our
local Pregnancy Resource Center. Finally, I share my story with anyone
and everyone, with just the small hope that another broken person can feel loved
and know his/her life is truly a gift and that they are valued as a child of
God. Life
truly is a precious gift, and I’m so blessed that God gave me
the grace to understand that, even
in the midst of brokenness.
Source: http://www.focus.org/blog/posts/im-that-girl-that-got-pregnant.html
